It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
