brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
