I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
