Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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