So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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