I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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