i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
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A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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