When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
