Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
