My sheets look like a crime scene.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
