there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you guys were way drunker than both of me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
