when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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