I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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