my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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