I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
