I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
