I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize