When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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