two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
