I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
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I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dick very happy bro
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