Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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