My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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