someone threw a dead crab at me
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then