you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.