Texts From Last Night

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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.

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  (312): I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room. http://tfl.nu/qbvq
  Replies (45) Good night (1397) Bad night (4010)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out

  (440): View more from Ohio

  seek help.

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  (216): I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out (440): seek help. http://tfl.nu/dyh0
  Replies (24) Good night (5110) Bad night (745)
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  (530): View more from California

  He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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  (530): He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me. http://tfl.nu/h0f1
  Replies (39) Good night (1094) Bad night (15717)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

  (1-785): View more from Kansas

  But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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  (785): He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him. (1-785): But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed. http://tfl.nu/9pjf
  Replies (26) Good night (8691) Bad night (924)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.

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  (217): I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex. http://tfl.nu/8evv
  Replies (65) Good night (3618) Bad night (1158)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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  (403): I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now http://tfl.nu/plpv
  Replies (27) Good night (5187) Bad night (1327)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.

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  (850): i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today. http://tfl.nu/xq7h
  Replies (4) Good night (738) Bad night (1557)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.

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  (920): Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp. http://tfl.nu/avvb
  Replies (2) Good night (1434) Bad night (675)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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  (+44): Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot http://tfl.nu/c6sc
  Replies (2) Good night (2377) Bad night (813)
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  (845): View more from New York

  It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes

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  (845): It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes http://tfl.nu/nbul
  Replies (9) Good night (608) Bad night (2609)
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.

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  (709): I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her. http://tfl.nu/w26o
  Replies (10) Good night (2102) Bad night (1068)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

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  (910): This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it? http://tfl.nu/41ta
  Replies (6) Good night (2210) Bad night (692)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear

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  (719): I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear http://tfl.nu/cplq
  Replies (1) Good night (1038) Bad night (511)
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  (619): View more from California

  He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.

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  (619): He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft. http://tfl.nu/kmfz
  Replies (1) Good night (303) Bad night (723)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.

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  (617): Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job. http://tfl.nu/3704
  Replies (4) Good night (722) Bad night (458)

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