I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She bit a glass in half.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.