Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
