you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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