porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
