i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
