After last night, I could never be a politician.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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