Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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