So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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