Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
