i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im six kinds of drunk right now
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
