I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
