weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
