threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
