Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
