I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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