so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
