Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
