Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
