Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
