Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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