ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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