drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize