I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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