My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
