you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
