Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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