Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
