airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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