I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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