I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
