It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
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Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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