Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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