So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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