you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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