i think i scared a bird with my dick
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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