I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
