took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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