too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
